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’ Julia set a plate down with toast and a cup of juice for Lauren and sat across from her with a cup of coffee. ‘What’s it like when you panic Lauren? What do you hear in your mind?’ it was a stiff probing question from Julia. She paused for a moment. ‘She should know. It’s not some dirty little secret.’ ‘It changes. Mostly its white noise of thoughts that I can’t focus on one thought.’ ‘What’s in those thoughts?’ What was in those thoughts that caused the anxiety just earlier? Lauren played. Would I satisfy her? Would I please her? Would she discipline me for some slip or slight, real or imagined? Would she leave me on the brink, whining with need and incomplete until I had abased myself sufficiently? Actually, I never left there without the sense of release that had amazed me from the first, and had now become now become infinitely more fulfilling.With Margaret's authorization I kept up my fitness regime, jogging, going to the gym, toning my body for Margaret to enjoy. I spent. Hazel and I kept ourselves to ourselves and I don’t think the others even noticed us. Then ‘it’ happened! We had already taken our seats one morning when a tall skinny boy, with long cork screwed haired and wearing a burgundy sweater from the Secondary Schools uniform which signified that he too was in the third form; got on my bus. As he walked passed me he looked into my eyes and gave the faintest of smiles and mumbled a “Hi.” I smiled back and Hazel elbowed my ribs to confirm that she. He trailed down, kissing my legs, back up kissing my stomach and neck as he lifted me off the counter. As I was just standing in front of him he spun me around and my hands landed on the counter to steady myself. He grabbed my hair and nibbled on my neck. I know I should have been a little scared, but the juices flowing down my legs told me I was beyond turned on. He asked, ”Are you ok?” I said, “yes,” with a smirk, as I looked over my shoulder, “is that all you got?” He said,” No, I do have.
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